TODDLERS TO TEENS: 3 Strategies to Assist

TODDLERS TO TEENS:

3 Strategies to Assist You

It's not uncommon to have siblings several years apart in age.  Having a teen and a toddler in the same household, while more prevalent today, is nothing new under the sun.  My father's oldest siblings were 18, 16 and 14 when he was born in the 1930s.  My mom was born 5, 7, 8 and 9 years younger than her siblings.  So, when there are large age gaps under the same roof....

What's a parent to do?

There are some great articles online that give tips.  Here I list three tips for assisting you in parenting children when there is a large age gap.  Even if you don't have a toddler and teen in the same home, these tips are applicable to parenting!

TIP #1:  GIVE GRACE!
 Not only do your children need to receive grace, but YOU also need grace!  God's grace is sufficient in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  Oh, it's often easier to give others grace but we short change ourselves in this category too often.  When you're feeling frustrated and down in your parenting skills, pause and thank God His grace is enough for you.  Also, spend time with friends who are in the parenting years with you, and that you can receive encouragement from.

TIP #2:  EAT TOGETHER!
Make it a priority to have a meal together, once a day if at all possible.  There is something about gathering around food as a family.  I realize this is not always doable BUT don't sell yourself short on creativity in this venture.  A few years ago, one of the students I taught had 2 older siblings and they ate breakfast together as a family since dinner time conflicted with extracurricular school activities.  Another mom who was determined to have family meals would travel with a crockpot of food to eat dinner together prior to her boys athletic games-yes, they ate at one of the schools!  If not everyday-how many times could you gather around a meal each week!

When our children were growing up, we would share our high and low for the day at the dinner table.  Each person shared what was the best part of their day and the worst. This is a great way to keep in tune with each other.

TIP #3:  ONE ON ONE TIME!
Most of us cherish time alone with someone who will listen and enjoy us for who we are as a human being.  Our children are no different.  Having time alone with each child is a way to have a conversation at their age level.  You can do this at home, on a walk, in the park or a date for hot chocolate or lunch!  If there are two parents in the home, you can divide and conquer.  For single parents enlist grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends to help you get one on one time with each child.  This can be 10 minutes or 2 hours.  Remember to take alone time for you too!

Here are some articles I read to pull together the tips above.  Read them for more ideas!

https://www.mother.ly/parenting/the-madness-of-parenting-toddlers-and-teens-at-the-same-time

https://www.gracefulabandon.com/parenting-teens-and-toddlers-at-the-same-time/

http://www.drpsychmom.com/2014/09/14/five-tips-parenting-teen-toddlers-together-guest-poster-jenivieve-elly/

https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/bridge-age-gap-between-kids/

Parenting: Three Steps Toward Successfully Maintaining Boundaries

Parenting:  Three Steps Toward Successfully Maintaining Boundaries

 "Healthy boundaries are not walls.  They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden." Lydia Hall, as shared with Peg Streep

"Boundaries define us.  They define what is me and what is not me.  A boundary shows me where I end and somebody else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.  Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom." Henry Cloud

As parents, we know the importance of setting boundaries for our children.  Then what sometimes makes it so hard for us to maintain boundaries and be consistent with them?  How can I maintain consistent boundaries for my child and sanity for me?  The following three-step process can assist you in setting consistent boundaries and bringing calm as you maintain the boundaries. 

First Step:  Awareness; Know thyself!

  First, know What (what things)?, When (times)? and Where (places)? you have more difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries with your child.  Use the following list to help you work through this step.  

What things? 

Busy Schedules

Homework

Toys/Possessions

Chores

Child cries, screams, stomps, pouts or.....*

Comparisons to other children/parents

Other?

When?

Early morning (before you have your coffee 😐)

After work

Preparing for dinner

You're hungry

My schedules packed

Having a relational difficulty with another adult

Other?

Where?

In public

In private

At church

At school

In a restaurant 

At extracurricular activities (soccer, concert, art class, gymnastics)

Other?

*Second, distinguish differences in pain: when a child is hurt (sad, frustrated) versus harmed when you set a boundary.  This awareness of self is being able to withstand the child's upset with the boundary you're setting or maintaining.  In the book, Boundaries with Kids, by Townsend and Cloud this is Rule #1 for Evaluating Pain.  Here's an excerpt from this chapter:

If your child is controlling your decisions by protesting your boundaries  [crying, stomping, yelling, pouting, threatening etc...], you are no longer parenting with a purpose.....Two, you don't value one of the most important aspects of child rearing:  Frustration is a key ingredient to growth.  The child who is never frustrated never develops frustration tolerance.  Three you are teaching him that he is entitled to always be happy and that all he has to do to get others to do what he wants is to cry about it.  Are these really your values?.....The child's protest does not define reality, or right from wrong.  Just because your child is in pain does not mean that something bad is happening.  Something good may be occuring, such as his coming to grips with reality for the first time.

I can tell you from experience (for better & for worse) along with documented research, we need to allow our children to sit in the crucible of pain and struggle to build their muscles of hope and confidence.  Think of a struggle you've had to work through that has helped you to grow, gain strength and courage.  Let's hang in there and encourage one another to walk with our children in struggle NOT FIX IT by rescuing them or giving into them.

Second Step:  Is the Boundary Worth the Battle?

This step often involves the gray areas in parenting.  For example, one home may set the boundary that there is absolutely no dessert before dinner. Another home may allow dessert as an afternoon snack.  And a third home may say no desserts at all (I couldn't keep this limit myself  😉).  

Regarding preferences ask yourself these questions:

• Is it legal?
• Is it moral?
• Is it safe for the body, mind, spirit?
• What difference will it make in the function of our home/family?
• What difference will this make when the child becomes an adult?
• How does it impact others (neighbors, teachers, friends etc...)?
• How can I help my child know that when they are at school, neighbors or other places that there may be differing boundaries?  Does the boundary need strategizing?  (example:  no dessert until after dinner at our home, maybe the neighbor gives your child a cookie in the afternoon when they are over there playing....can you live with this? OR you don't allow your child to drive any other minors yet even though they have their license, maybe Aunt Suzie is staying with your child while you're away and she allows her kids to drive other minors....do you want to have your boundary maintained while you're away?)

Step 3:  Set Boundaries and Maintain Them

You are well on your way to maintaining healthy boundaries for your child when you've built awareness and decided which boundaries are important for you and your child.  

When making changes to our parenting, it's tempting for us to bite off more than we can chew at one time.  Remember hikers climb mountains one step at a time.  There is one exception-Superman/Superwoman- s/he climbs the mountains in one bound!  Well, I believe you are a super parent but making too many changes at one time often sets us and our children up for inconsistency and discouragement.   

Whether you're implementing something new or tweaking an old boundary/expectation, communicate with your child(ren) about what you're doing and the why behind it.  Whenever possible bring your child(ren) into the discussion of solving a problem and brainstorming options.  Cooperative efforts are impactful for the long term.  Control is temporarily impactful for the one who has the strength or power AND someday, if it isn't already, the child figures out how to gain control-push buttons-protest and refuse to stay within the boundaries.

As you set and uphold the boundaries:

• Clearly, communicate the boundary/expectation and why (resist lecturing)
• Involve the child in the discussion and brainstorming as much as possible
• Remain calm when a child crosses a boundary
• Implement a reasonable consequence or allow the natural consequence to work
• Allow the child to solve their own problem
• Tell your child you believe in them and trust they can work this out
• Revisit expectations and boundaries that may need to be changed or tweaked 

Be encouraged!

• Children want us to set healthy boundaries.  
• Healthy boundaries allow freedom. 
• Children are empowered when we give them choices within healthy boundaries.  
• AND mistakes offer a great opportunity for growth in problem-solving, self-regulating, critical thinking and character.

What's one or two boundaries you'd like to work on with your child/family over the next month?

Next Blog with Bernardine:  Tips and Tools to Calmly Hold the Boundary/Expectation

Teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their life. 

Proverbs 22:6

Part 2: Cooperative Kids 2 More Tips and A Guide

Wouldn't it be nice if our parenting and our children were as picture perfect as the silhouette above?  Welcome to the company of imperfect parents with imperfect children.

There are a host of books, classes, and authors we can listen to on any number of best ways to parent.  Sometimes it's overwhelming knowing where to even begin.

Today's parenting tips come from the well-known author, educator and speaker Barbara Coloroso.  These come from her lectures on Winning at Parenting, Without Beating Your Kids and her book Kids Are Worth It.

I have chosen two tips and a guide to share with you in this blog.  Sometimes we try to change too much as parents.  Focusing on one or two things well helps us achieve structure and consistency, two things every child needs!

TIP 1:  ALTERNATIVES TO NO
Coloroso explains that we want to reserve saying NO to the things that really matter.  We say the word no or can't more than is necessary.  "How often many of us say no to our kids without the foggiest idea as to why we said it.  No just sounded good.  Then we have to try to defend it." (pg. 91)
Here are three alternatives to saying no:

1.  Yes, later.
2.  Give me a minute.
"There is nothing wrong with asking for a minute to develop your own case." (pg. 91)
3.  Convince me.  (this is where we encourage kids how to think, not just what to think)

Yes, later examples:

Your child asks if they may have a cookie just before lunch.  Yes, you can have it after lunch or before your afternoon play time.

Your child wants to watch TV or have non-homework screen time.  Yes, after your school work is complete.

Give me a minute example/strategy:

Your child asks to go to a movie with friends Friday evening.  You may think, hmmm it would be nice to have them with friends and a little time away after a long week of work.  Or no, we have plans as a family Friday evening. (If you say no, at least you know why you're saying it).

"If your child wants an answer right away, a variation of 'give me a minute might work more effectively:  If you want an a answer right now it's no; if you can wait a bit, maybe."

Convince me examples:

Your child would like to play before they do homework tonight (the order in your home is usually reversed).  

Child:  I want to do my homework after I play outside.
PARENT:  Convince me why I should allow you.
Child:  Everyone else does it.
PARENT:  I'm not convinced.
Child:  Joey gets too and you like his mom's parenting.
PARENT:  Not convinced.
Child:  I will focus better on homework after time running around.  I've been sitting all day at school.
PARENT:  I'm convinced!

Child:  I would like to drive the car today.
PARENT:  Convince me.
Child:  All my classmates drive to school.
PARENT:  Not convinced.
Child:  If I don't have the car, you'll have to drive all of us to basketball practice.
PARENT: Convinced.

TIP 2:  REPLACING CAN'T WITH MAY & WHEN

This is a subtle change that is powerful.  The less we get into control tactics or power struggles the more success we gain in cooperating with others and that includes our children.

Examples:
You can't have a cookie. Instead, say- You may have a cookie when you have eaten dinner.

You didn't take out the trash, so you can't go outside. Instead, say- You may go outside when the trash is taken out.

You can't leave your room. Instead, say- You may come out of your room when the bed is made.

A GUIDE:  Test Parenting Practices With These In Mind

• Kids are worth it!
• If I wouldn't want it done to me, then don't do it to a child
• Do I want to teach them to think or control them and make them mind?
• Does the way I handle a situation leave my and their dignity intact?

          (my wording for the final bullet:  Does it honor God, other person, myself?)

What's something you'd like to work on in parenting?
How have you created cooperation with your child(ren)?

Resources:  
Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso
Raising Human Beings by Dr. Ross Greene
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish

Audio/CD's:  Winning at Parenting without Beating Your Child, Barbara Coloroso

Cooperative Kids Part 1: 3 Tips to Gain Cooperation with Children

At times parenting has us feeling frazzled:

• Bedtime battles
• Getting out the door in the morning
• Homework arguments
• Schedules that push us to our limits
• Asking/Directing our child for the umpteenth time
• Repeated undesired behaviors

If you've dealt with any of the above or another frustration as a parent, fear not, you're in great company.  While I'll never promise perfect behavior, I will offer 3 Tips to assist you in helping your child cooperate.

Tip 1:  Acknowledge and Validate Feelings

Acknowledging and validating feelings fosters relationships and builds trust to begin making forward progress and providing solutions for cooperation.  

Child storms in the door and slams it.  Parent responses

     Don't Say:   "You're gonna get it tonight."  "You're temper is terrible"

     Do Say:       "You're really mad/upset"  

Child skins their knee and cries.  

     Don't Say:  "Stop crying, it's okay."

     Do Say:      "That hurts."  "Ouch, that hurts."

The child puts up a fight going to bed.  

     Don't Say:  "You're impossible-you need your sleep*-get to bed now."          

     Do Say:      "You're upset it's bedtime."

*Yes, they do need the sleep but this response pours more fuel on an already heated situation.

A child doesn't want to do homework:

     Don't say:  "Grades are the most important, you will do your homework or else _________"

     Do say:      "You'd rather be doing something other than homework."  

                        "Homework is a pain right now."

Tip 2:  Provide Options Wherever Possible

Bedtime routine fights:

     

Possible Options:       

Would you like to go to bed after story time or bath time?

Would you prefer to go to bed at 7:45 or 8:15 tonight? (you, as the                                                         parent, have already decided they need to be in bed at 8:15 at the latest)

Here are the things that happen before bedtime at 8pm:  brush teeth, bath, reading time, toy clean up. What order do you want to do this in?

                                   

 Homework Battles:   

Possible Options:

Do you want to play outside for 20 minutes before or after homework?

What options can you come up with to complete your homework before bedtime? (Parent accept solutions that work for you)                                         

Do you want to eat your snack before or during homework or both!?

Tip 3:  Implement Consequences

You are the parent and healthy boundaries help children understand their choices impact themselves and others.

Child Continues inappropriate/undesired behavior:

     "Go to your room and when you are ready to speak kind words you may come out."

     "You've screamed after I asked you to stop.  You'll remain inside for the rest of the afternoon."

     (more in other blog-older children are capable of identifying the problem and coming up with solutions to solve the problem, sometimes they'll need your prompting to think of options)

The child doesn't return scissors for the 2nd or 3rd time:

      Put scissors in an inaccessible place.  Have child problem solve to remember putting the scissors away after use.  Return scissors for child access when the parent agrees or the child comes up with a solution the parent can live with.

Child returns after the time you set for them to return home:

     "You won't be able to go to Sean/Stella's for the remainder of this week.  In the meantime, I want you to come up with 3 options to solve the problem of not being home at the time required.  You can present these to me between now and next Monday for discussion."

I won't guarantee 100% success-no parenting tips or strategies are always successful.  Validating feelings whether it's a conflict or a day to day happening is critical to building trust.  Providing options increases cooperation and helps children to problem solve.  Consequences provide feedback and an opportunity to build problem-solving skills.  If a child's original solutions aren't working-revisit them in an open discussion and restrategize.

What have you used to help create a cooperation with your child?

Which of the three tips would you like to work on?

  

Parenting in the Digital Age

As I prepared this topic for parents, I found myself enmeshed with my computer and google!  I’m here to tell you this is not an article to tell you how evil technology is for our lives and the lives of our children.  The saying, “I can’t live with it and I can’t live without it” seems apropos when it comes to parenting in a screen-driven world. 

There are thousands of resources on the topic of parenting kids in a digital world.  So much information that it’s difficult to know where to begin reading or listening to a podcast.  Upon reading several resources, parenting and now grandparenting in the digital age, I have compiled:

Tips
Questions for Parents
Resources 
Implementation Ideas/Tools

TIPS

• Educate yourself
• Open discussions with your children about technology
• Set Clear Guidelines and Boundaries (you are the parent)
• Write a Family Technology plan and update as needed
• Use Parental Control Software
• Model the behavior you desire and expect from your child
• Have Tech free zones/times in your home
• Bedrooms tech-free (check out the research)
• Explore online with your children 
• Children 0-24 months:  American Pediatric Assoc. recommends no screen time

QUESTIONS TO ASK

• Is the use of technology to create something positive (build, write, research)?
• Does this interaction with technology support our family values?
• What non-tech options could accomplish the same objective for which your child is in front of the screen?
• Am I buying this device to keep up with the other parents and get my child off my back?  "everyone else has one"

RESOURCES

1.  Parental Controls

     Commensensemedia.org

      https://forcefield.me/  taken from the website

• lock in SafeSearch and YouTube Restricted Mode to filter out pornography and other inappropriate content
• block access to specific sites
• shut down all apps, games, social networks whenever digital downtime is needed
• geo-locate your children on a continually updated map

    Focus on Family recommendations (taken from the website)

• Net Nanny preferred web filtering software
• Forcefield preferred parental control software
• Covenant Eyes preferred Internet accountability software

    Family Screen Time Agreement Guide

    https://heartmindonline.org/resources/creating-a-family-screen-time-agreement-the-heart-mind-way

2.  Podcasts/Blogs

• Parenting in the Digital Age:  http://podcast.app/parenting-in-the-digital-age-ashley-januszewski-e32526921/?share=and

         A one hour podcast.  Includes how easy it is to access pornography, strategies to keep communication and open discussions ongoing with your children and a Christian perspective.

• http://podcast.app/important-strategies-for-raising-children-in-a-world-of-technology-by-joshua-becker-of-becoming-minimalist-kids-e38289942/?share=and       

        Shorter Podcast with strategies for raising children in a world of technology.  A well-rounded podcast to help you think through your own family tech plan.

• Blog:   https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/August-2017/Attention-Spans-in-the-Age-of-Technology
  

         Good to know a blog on attention spans:  Is it ADHD or Technology?

3.  Books

• Growing Up Social, raising relational kids in a screen-driven world, by Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane.  This is a great resource and has a lot of examples, practical application, and tools for parenting around technology and building relationship skills.  The authors include how to teach your children five A+ relational skills (Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Anger Management, and Apology).
• Calm, Cool and Connected; 5 Digital Habits For A More Balanced Life, by Arlene Pellicane.  Do you struggle with being screen driven?  This book is written for adults.  Remember we want to model the behavior we desire from our children.  It has a quiz to assess your own digital habits.  
• The New Brain:  How the Modern Age Is Rewiring Your Mind, by Dr. Richard Restak  This book discusses how we are all capable of reaching a breaking point where we lose our ability to focus due to overstimulation.  This is what could be happening with many of our children.  A child who is seen as "having difficulty focusing" or "bright, but not working to his/her full potential" may be unable to keep up with the demands of a stimulus-filled environment.

SJ Parents the following books are in our parent library.  They may be checked out in the school office through Ms. Sara.

Growing Up Social, raising relational kids in a screen-driven world, Authors:  Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane

Calm, Cool, and Connected; 5 Digital Habits For A More Balanced Life by Arlene Pellicane

Implement:  Ideas and Tools

Pivot:  This teachable tool comes from Calm, Cool and Connected and reflects respect and value for others.  Parents, teach PIVOT to your children AND model PIVOT for them.  When you are using a tech device and someone enters the room or speaks to you:

a)  Set aside the device and pivot toward the person

b)  Gain eye contact with the person

c)  Listen and converse with the person

d)  If you need to complete something important on your device PIVOT and say, "I am completing an email to send, then I will be with you."  Complete the task and PIVOT

Tech-Free Zones:

a)  Specify Tech-Free Zones and Times in your home
b)  Bedrooms Tech Free-buy an alarm clock for older children so they don't have to use an alarm on their phone
c)  Set aside at least one area of your home that is a Tech-Free Zone
d)  Recommend:  No tech or screen time before the school day begins 

An example of tech-free times, you may use the dining table for study time or office work and a computer or other tech device is needed for these uses.  BUT when it's family dinner time the area/time becomes a tech-free area/time zone.

    Another example may be that you set times daily that no screens are on.  If you have an older child you could ask them to set aside non-school times of no screen times in blocks of 4 hours for a minimum of 3 times a week.  Parents schedule screen down times for yourself too-and shares this with your children!

What if a parent in the home is on call for work or has work to do on the computer?  Good question:  "Mom is on call for the doctor's office this week so her phone will be on 24/7.  This is a part of her job."  "Dad has a work deadline to meet, he'll be on the computer after dinner."  I encourage modeling the behavior and expectations you want for your child.  At the same time, you are the parent and have had a different role than your child in your home and workplace.

Make A Family Tech Plan:

a)  https://heartmindonline.org/resources/creating-a-family-screen-time-agreement-the-heart-mind-way

b)  https://carlinsprings.apsva.us/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/04/Sample-Family-Technology-Plan-2.pdf

Teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their life. 

Proverbs 22:6