PARENTING PROBLEMS? A DIFFERENT ANGLE
3 Tips to Reframe Recurring Problems with your Child
Imagine moving from thinking or saying this about your child:
"She/he doesn't, won't, can't, never" TO "She/he does, will, can, mostly!"
Dr. Ross Greene helps us see challenges from a different perspective in his book, Raising Human Beings; Creating a Collaborative Partnership with your Child. There is much to be gleaned from Dr. Greene's experience and book. I'm going to keep this article to three points from his book that can assist you in solving problems collaboratively with your child.
TIP #1: Reframe from Bad Behaviour to A Lagging Skill
What is meant by this? Rather than say or imply that the child is bad or unable to accomplish the expectation, it can be reframed to an unmet expectation (lagging skill). I can say that my child can't keep their room clean OR I can say my child is not meeting the expectation to place their dirty clothes in the hamper. The later allows us to collaborate on solving a problem. This may not seem significant but it reframes the frustration to a problem that can now be solved together with your child!
You can go to Livesinthebalance.org and download the resource: Assessment for Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems.
TIP #2: Collaborate with Your Child when it's Calm
Having conversations in the heat of the moment is rarely productive. When you've noticed a pattern of an unmet family expectation, address this when the pattern is not happening OR at least when there isn't a meltdown or high stress in the air. Dr. Greene suggests beginning the conversation: "I've noticed you're having difficulty remembering all the things you need to take to school each day. What's up?" or "Tell me more" Listen to your child's thoughts, she/he may need a few minutes to think about this, especially if this is a new approach.
TIP #3: Allow Your Child to Help Solve the Problem
As parents, it's easy for us to give adult-directed solutions. It's convenient, quick, and logical! The problem is, that when it's a consistent pattern of not meeting your expectations, adult-imposed solutions often make it worse. I encourage you to take the time to have your child help brainstorm ways to solve the problem. Yes, it does take time. In the long run, though, you are encouraging buy-in from your child, teaching problem-solving skills, encouraging growth and allowing them to grow in confidence. An added bonus: you'll usually save time in the long run too!
REMINDER:
No one can promise you a strategy, tool or process will work perfectly every time! When we are changing the way we do something, it takes us and those around us time to adjust. Give yourself some grace as you try something new!
