Wouldn't it be nice if our parenting and our children were as picture perfect as the silhouette above? Welcome to the company of imperfect parents with imperfect children.
There are a host of books, classes, and authors we can listen to on any number of best ways to parent. Sometimes it's overwhelming knowing where to even begin.
Today's parenting tips come from the well-known author, educator and speaker Barbara Coloroso. These come from her lectures on Winning at Parenting, Without Beating Your Kids and her book Kids Are Worth It.
I have chosen two tips and a guide to share with you in this blog. Sometimes we try to change too much as parents. Focusing on one or two things well helps us achieve structure and consistency, two things every child needs!
TIP 1: ALTERNATIVES TO NO
Coloroso explains that we want to reserve saying NO to the things that really matter. We say the word no or can't more than is necessary. "How often many of us say no to our kids without the foggiest idea as to why we said it. No just sounded good. Then we have to try to defend it." (pg. 91)
Here are three alternatives to saying no:
1. Yes, later.
2. Give me a minute.
"There is nothing wrong with asking for a minute to develop your own case." (pg. 91)
3. Convince me. (this is where we encourage kids how to think, not just what to think)
Yes, later examples:
Your child asks if they may have a cookie just before lunch. Yes, you can have it after lunch or before your afternoon play time.
Your child wants to watch TV or have non-homework screen time. Yes, after your school work is complete.
Give me a minute example/strategy:
Your child asks to go to a movie with friends Friday evening. You may think, hmmm it would be nice to have them with friends and a little time away after a long week of work. Or no, we have plans as a family Friday evening. (If you say no, at least you know why you're saying it).
"If your child wants an answer right away, a variation of 'give me a minute might work more effectively: If you want an a answer right now it's no; if you can wait a bit, maybe."
Convince me examples:
Your child would like to play before they do homework tonight (the order in your home is usually reversed).
Child: I want to do my homework after I play outside.
PARENT: Convince me why I should allow you.
Child: Everyone else does it.
PARENT: I'm not convinced.
Child: Joey gets too and you like his mom's parenting.
PARENT: Not convinced.
Child: I will focus better on homework after time running around. I've been sitting all day at school.
PARENT: I'm convinced!
Child: I would like to drive the car today.
PARENT: Convince me.
Child: All my classmates drive to school.
PARENT: Not convinced.
Child: If I don't have the car, you'll have to drive all of us to basketball practice.
PARENT: Convinced.
TIP 2: REPLACING CAN'T WITH MAY & WHEN
This is a subtle change that is powerful. The less we get into control tactics or power struggles the more success we gain in cooperating with others and that includes our children.
Examples:
You can't have a cookie. Instead, say- You may have a cookie when you have eaten dinner.
You didn't take out the trash, so you can't go outside. Instead, say- You may go outside when the trash is taken out.
You can't leave your room. Instead, say- You may come out of your room when the bed is made.
A GUIDE: Test Parenting Practices With These In Mind
- Kids are worth it!
- If I wouldn't want it done to me, then don't do it to a child
- Do I want to teach them to think or control them and make them mind?
- Does the way I handle a situation leave my and their dignity intact?
(my wording for the final bullet: Does it honor God, other person, myself?)
What's something you'd like to work on in parenting?
How have you created cooperation with your child(ren)?
Resources:
Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso
Raising Human Beings by Dr. Ross Greene
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish
Audio/CD's: Winning at Parenting without Beating Your Child, Barbara Coloroso
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