At times parenting has us feeling frazzled:
- Bedtime battles
- Getting out the door in the morning
- Homework arguments
- Schedules that push us to our limits
- Asking/Directing our child for the umpteenth time
- Repeated undesired behaviors
If you've dealt with any of the above or another frustration as a parent, fear not, you're in great company. While I'll never promise perfect behavior, I will offer 3 Tips to assist you in helping your child cooperate.
Tip 1: Acknowledge and Validate Feelings
Acknowledging and validating feelings fosters relationships and builds trust to begin making forward progress and providing solutions for cooperation.
Child storms in the door and slams it. Parent responses
Don't Say: "You're gonna get it tonight." "You're temper is terrible"
Do Say: "You're really mad/upset"
Child skins their knee and cries.
Don't Say: "Stop crying, it's okay."
Do Say: "That hurts." "Ouch, that hurts."
The child puts up a fight going to bed.
Don't Say: "You're impossible-you need your sleep*-get to bed now."
Do Say: "You're upset it's bedtime."
*Yes, they do need the sleep but this response pours more fuel on an already heated situation.
A child doesn't want to do homework:
Don't say: "Grades are the most important, you will do your homework or else _________"
Do say: "You'd rather be doing something other than homework."
"Homework is a pain right now."
Tip 2: Provide Options Wherever Possible
Bedtime routine fights:
Possible Options:
Would you like to go to bed after story time or bath time?
Would you prefer to go to bed at 7:45 or 8:15 tonight? (you, as the parent, have already decided they need to be in bed at 8:15 at the latest)
Here are the things that happen before bedtime at 8pm: brush teeth, bath, reading time, toy clean up. What order do you want to do this in?
Homework Battles:
Possible Options:
Do you want to play outside for 20 minutes before or after homework?
What options can you come up with to complete your homework before bedtime? (Parent accept solutions that work for you)
Do you want to eat your snack before or during homework or both!?
Tip 3: Implement Consequences
You are the parent and healthy boundaries help children understand their choices impact themselves and others.
Child Continues inappropriate/undesired behavior:
"Go to your room and when you are ready to speak kind words you may come out."
"You've screamed after I asked you to stop. You'll remain inside for the rest of the afternoon."
(more in other blog-older children are capable of identifying the problem and coming up with solutions to solve the problem, sometimes they'll need your prompting to think of options)
The child doesn't return scissors for the 2nd or 3rd time:
Put scissors in an inaccessible place. Have child problem solve to remember putting the scissors away after use. Return scissors for child access when the parent agrees or the child comes up with a solution the parent can live with.
Child returns after the time you set for them to return home:
"You won't be able to go to Sean/Stella's for the remainder of this week. In the meantime, I want you to come up with 3 options to solve the problem of not being home at the time required. You can present these to me between now and next Monday for discussion."
I won't guarantee 100% success-no parenting tips or strategies are always successful. Validating feelings whether it's a conflict or a day to day happening is critical to building trust. Providing options increases cooperation and helps children to problem solve. Consequences provide feedback and an opportunity to build problem-solving skills. If a child's original solutions aren't working-revisit them in an open discussion and restrategize.
What have you used to help create a cooperation with your child?
Which of the three tips would you like to work on?
