Part 2: Cooperative Kids 2 More Tips and A Guide

Wouldn't it be nice if our parenting and our children were as picture perfect as the silhouette above?  Welcome to the company of imperfect parents with imperfect children.

There are a host of books, classes, and authors we can listen to on any number of best ways to parent.  Sometimes it's overwhelming knowing where to even begin.

Today's parenting tips come from the well-known author, educator and speaker Barbara Coloroso.  These come from her lectures on Winning at Parenting, Without Beating Your Kids and her book Kids Are Worth It.

I have chosen two tips and a guide to share with you in this blog.  Sometimes we try to change too much as parents.  Focusing on one or two things well helps us achieve structure and consistency, two things every child needs!

TIP 1:  ALTERNATIVES TO NO
Coloroso explains that we want to reserve saying NO to the things that really matter.  We say the word no or can't more than is necessary.  "How often many of us say no to our kids without the foggiest idea as to why we said it.  No just sounded good.  Then we have to try to defend it." (pg. 91)
Here are three alternatives to saying no:

1.  Yes, later.
2.  Give me a minute.
"There is nothing wrong with asking for a minute to develop your own case." (pg. 91)
3.  Convince me.  (this is where we encourage kids how to think, not just what to think)

Yes, later examples:

Your child asks if they may have a cookie just before lunch.  Yes, you can have it after lunch or before your afternoon play time.

Your child wants to watch TV or have non-homework screen time.  Yes, after your school work is complete.

Give me a minute example/strategy:

Your child asks to go to a movie with friends Friday evening.  You may think, hmmm it would be nice to have them with friends and a little time away after a long week of work.  Or no, we have plans as a family Friday evening. (If you say no, at least you know why you're saying it).

"If your child wants an answer right away, a variation of 'give me a minute might work more effectively:  If you want an a answer right now it's no; if you can wait a bit, maybe."

Convince me examples:

Your child would like to play before they do homework tonight (the order in your home is usually reversed).  

Child:  I want to do my homework after I play outside.
PARENT:  Convince me why I should allow you.
Child:  Everyone else does it.
PARENT:  I'm not convinced.
Child:  Joey gets too and you like his mom's parenting.
PARENT:  Not convinced.
Child:  I will focus better on homework after time running around.  I've been sitting all day at school.
PARENT:  I'm convinced!

Child:  I would like to drive the car today.
PARENT:  Convince me.
Child:  All my classmates drive to school.
PARENT:  Not convinced.
Child:  If I don't have the car, you'll have to drive all of us to basketball practice.
PARENT: Convinced.

TIP 2:  REPLACING CAN'T WITH MAY & WHEN

This is a subtle change that is powerful.  The less we get into control tactics or power struggles the more success we gain in cooperating with others and that includes our children.

Examples:
You can't have a cookie. Instead, say- You may have a cookie when you have eaten dinner.

You didn't take out the trash, so you can't go outside. Instead, say- You may go outside when the trash is taken out.

You can't leave your room. Instead, say- You may come out of your room when the bed is made.

A GUIDE:  Test Parenting Practices With These In Mind

• Kids are worth it!
• If I wouldn't want it done to me, then don't do it to a child
• Do I want to teach them to think or control them and make them mind?
• Does the way I handle a situation leave my and their dignity intact?

          (my wording for the final bullet:  Does it honor God, other person, myself?)

What's something you'd like to work on in parenting?
How have you created cooperation with your child(ren)?

Resources:  
Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso
Raising Human Beings by Dr. Ross Greene
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish

Audio/CD's:  Winning at Parenting without Beating Your Child, Barbara Coloroso

Cooperative Kids Part 1: 3 Tips to Gain Cooperation with Children

At times parenting has us feeling frazzled:

• Bedtime battles
• Getting out the door in the morning
• Homework arguments
• Schedules that push us to our limits
• Asking/Directing our child for the umpteenth time
• Repeated undesired behaviors

If you've dealt with any of the above or another frustration as a parent, fear not, you're in great company.  While I'll never promise perfect behavior, I will offer 3 Tips to assist you in helping your child cooperate.

Tip 1:  Acknowledge and Validate Feelings

Acknowledging and validating feelings fosters relationships and builds trust to begin making forward progress and providing solutions for cooperation.  

Child storms in the door and slams it.  Parent responses

     Don't Say:   "You're gonna get it tonight."  "You're temper is terrible"

     Do Say:       "You're really mad/upset"  

Child skins their knee and cries.  

     Don't Say:  "Stop crying, it's okay."

     Do Say:      "That hurts."  "Ouch, that hurts."

The child puts up a fight going to bed.  

     Don't Say:  "You're impossible-you need your sleep*-get to bed now."          

     Do Say:      "You're upset it's bedtime."

*Yes, they do need the sleep but this response pours more fuel on an already heated situation.

A child doesn't want to do homework:

     Don't say:  "Grades are the most important, you will do your homework or else _________"

     Do say:      "You'd rather be doing something other than homework."  

                        "Homework is a pain right now."

Tip 2:  Provide Options Wherever Possible

Bedtime routine fights:

     

Possible Options:       

Would you like to go to bed after story time or bath time?

Would you prefer to go to bed at 7:45 or 8:15 tonight? (you, as the                                                         parent, have already decided they need to be in bed at 8:15 at the latest)

Here are the things that happen before bedtime at 8pm:  brush teeth, bath, reading time, toy clean up. What order do you want to do this in?

                                   

 Homework Battles:   

Possible Options:

Do you want to play outside for 20 minutes before or after homework?

What options can you come up with to complete your homework before bedtime? (Parent accept solutions that work for you)                                         

Do you want to eat your snack before or during homework or both!?

Tip 3:  Implement Consequences

You are the parent and healthy boundaries help children understand their choices impact themselves and others.

Child Continues inappropriate/undesired behavior:

     "Go to your room and when you are ready to speak kind words you may come out."

     "You've screamed after I asked you to stop.  You'll remain inside for the rest of the afternoon."

     (more in other blog-older children are capable of identifying the problem and coming up with solutions to solve the problem, sometimes they'll need your prompting to think of options)

The child doesn't return scissors for the 2nd or 3rd time:

      Put scissors in an inaccessible place.  Have child problem solve to remember putting the scissors away after use.  Return scissors for child access when the parent agrees or the child comes up with a solution the parent can live with.

Child returns after the time you set for them to return home:

     "You won't be able to go to Sean/Stella's for the remainder of this week.  In the meantime, I want you to come up with 3 options to solve the problem of not being home at the time required.  You can present these to me between now and next Monday for discussion."

I won't guarantee 100% success-no parenting tips or strategies are always successful.  Validating feelings whether it's a conflict or a day to day happening is critical to building trust.  Providing options increases cooperation and helps children to problem solve.  Consequences provide feedback and an opportunity to build problem-solving skills.  If a child's original solutions aren't working-revisit them in an open discussion and restrategize.

What have you used to help create a cooperation with your child?

Which of the three tips would you like to work on?

  

Parenting in the Digital Age

As I prepared this topic for parents, I found myself enmeshed with my computer and google!  I’m here to tell you this is not an article to tell you how evil technology is for our lives and the lives of our children.  The saying, “I can’t live with it and I can’t live without it” seems apropos when it comes to parenting in a screen-driven world. 

There are thousands of resources on the topic of parenting kids in a digital world.  So much information that it’s difficult to know where to begin reading or listening to a podcast.  Upon reading several resources, parenting and now grandparenting in the digital age, I have compiled:

Tips
Questions for Parents
Resources 
Implementation Ideas/Tools

TIPS

• Educate yourself
• Open discussions with your children about technology
• Set Clear Guidelines and Boundaries (you are the parent)
• Write a Family Technology plan and update as needed
• Use Parental Control Software
• Model the behavior you desire and expect from your child
• Have Tech free zones/times in your home
• Bedrooms tech-free (check out the research)
• Explore online with your children 
• Children 0-24 months:  American Pediatric Assoc. recommends no screen time

QUESTIONS TO ASK

• Is the use of technology to create something positive (build, write, research)?
• Does this interaction with technology support our family values?
• What non-tech options could accomplish the same objective for which your child is in front of the screen?
• Am I buying this device to keep up with the other parents and get my child off my back?  "everyone else has one"

RESOURCES

1.  Parental Controls

     Commensensemedia.org

      https://forcefield.me/  taken from the website

• lock in SafeSearch and YouTube Restricted Mode to filter out pornography and other inappropriate content
• block access to specific sites
• shut down all apps, games, social networks whenever digital downtime is needed
• geo-locate your children on a continually updated map

    Focus on Family recommendations (taken from the website)

• Net Nanny preferred web filtering software
• Forcefield preferred parental control software
• Covenant Eyes preferred Internet accountability software

    Family Screen Time Agreement Guide

    https://heartmindonline.org/resources/creating-a-family-screen-time-agreement-the-heart-mind-way

2.  Podcasts/Blogs

• Parenting in the Digital Age:  http://podcast.app/parenting-in-the-digital-age-ashley-januszewski-e32526921/?share=and

         A one hour podcast.  Includes how easy it is to access pornography, strategies to keep communication and open discussions ongoing with your children and a Christian perspective.

• http://podcast.app/important-strategies-for-raising-children-in-a-world-of-technology-by-joshua-becker-of-becoming-minimalist-kids-e38289942/?share=and       

        Shorter Podcast with strategies for raising children in a world of technology.  A well-rounded podcast to help you think through your own family tech plan.

• Blog:   https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/August-2017/Attention-Spans-in-the-Age-of-Technology
  

         Good to know a blog on attention spans:  Is it ADHD or Technology?

3.  Books

• Growing Up Social, raising relational kids in a screen-driven world, by Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane.  This is a great resource and has a lot of examples, practical application, and tools for parenting around technology and building relationship skills.  The authors include how to teach your children five A+ relational skills (Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Anger Management, and Apology).
• Calm, Cool and Connected; 5 Digital Habits For A More Balanced Life, by Arlene Pellicane.  Do you struggle with being screen driven?  This book is written for adults.  Remember we want to model the behavior we desire from our children.  It has a quiz to assess your own digital habits.  
• The New Brain:  How the Modern Age Is Rewiring Your Mind, by Dr. Richard Restak  This book discusses how we are all capable of reaching a breaking point where we lose our ability to focus due to overstimulation.  This is what could be happening with many of our children.  A child who is seen as "having difficulty focusing" or "bright, but not working to his/her full potential" may be unable to keep up with the demands of a stimulus-filled environment.

SJ Parents the following books are in our parent library.  They may be checked out in the school office through Ms. Sara.

Growing Up Social, raising relational kids in a screen-driven world, Authors:  Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane

Calm, Cool, and Connected; 5 Digital Habits For A More Balanced Life by Arlene Pellicane

Implement:  Ideas and Tools

Pivot:  This teachable tool comes from Calm, Cool and Connected and reflects respect and value for others.  Parents, teach PIVOT to your children AND model PIVOT for them.  When you are using a tech device and someone enters the room or speaks to you:

a)  Set aside the device and pivot toward the person

b)  Gain eye contact with the person

c)  Listen and converse with the person

d)  If you need to complete something important on your device PIVOT and say, "I am completing an email to send, then I will be with you."  Complete the task and PIVOT

Tech-Free Zones:

a)  Specify Tech-Free Zones and Times in your home
b)  Bedrooms Tech Free-buy an alarm clock for older children so they don't have to use an alarm on their phone
c)  Set aside at least one area of your home that is a Tech-Free Zone
d)  Recommend:  No tech or screen time before the school day begins 

An example of tech-free times, you may use the dining table for study time or office work and a computer or other tech device is needed for these uses.  BUT when it's family dinner time the area/time becomes a tech-free area/time zone.

    Another example may be that you set times daily that no screens are on.  If you have an older child you could ask them to set aside non-school times of no screen times in blocks of 4 hours for a minimum of 3 times a week.  Parents schedule screen down times for yourself too-and shares this with your children!

What if a parent in the home is on call for work or has work to do on the computer?  Good question:  "Mom is on call for the doctor's office this week so her phone will be on 24/7.  This is a part of her job."  "Dad has a work deadline to meet, he'll be on the computer after dinner."  I encourage modeling the behavior and expectations you want for your child.  At the same time, you are the parent and have had a different role than your child in your home and workplace.

Make A Family Tech Plan:

a)  https://heartmindonline.org/resources/creating-a-family-screen-time-agreement-the-heart-mind-way

b)  https://carlinsprings.apsva.us/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/04/Sample-Family-Technology-Plan-2.pdf

Teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their life. 

Proverbs 22:6

QUIET PLEASE!

QUIET TIME!?!  Over the years I've had a lot of conversations with women about quiet time with God. 

Here are two consistent facts that have come from these conversations:

-We know the importance of spending time in GOD'S WORD & with the WORD  (Jesus)

-We often struggle to regularly  spend  time in GOD'S WORD & with the WORD (Jesus)

We often ask these questions about taking time to be quiet with God:

"Where should I have my quiet time with God?"

"When should I have my quiet time with God?"

"What do I want to read/reflect/pray on during the quiet time?"

Different Perspective

Sometimes we busy our minds with so many thoughts and questions that our hearts are noisy.  Could it be that God wants to quiet our hearts for quiet time with HIM?  

Ponder:  We often think of quiet as external surroundings.  External quiet can be a part of quiet time AND being quiet in our spirit can also be a part of quiet time.  "He will quiet you by His love;  He will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17b

Personally my checklists and selfishness often get in the way of spending time in the Word with Jesus.  My racing mind and heart also prevent me from being quieted and connecting with God.

Recently, the community of faith I worship with has had a First 5 Challenge.  The idea is to spend the first 5 minutes of your day in the Word.  This has been very encouraging for me to focus on my relationship with God before the day's schedule begins.  My awareness for God's agenda in my life has increased by spending time with Him first.

FOR DISCUSSION

What keeps you from spending time in and with the WORD?

What encourages you to spend time in and with the WORD?

Any "aha" moment you want to share in regard to this post?

Beyond Myself:  Who could you encourage this week to spend time in and with the Living WORD?

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in Him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

RESOURCE:  Proverbs 31 Ministries has a free First 5 App, you can go to first5.org to find out ore about this app.

Embracing Your Accent; WHOse YOU ARE

Can the people around me hear my accent?

Would they even ask who I am/who I belong too?

If they ask, will I be honest?

After a little while, those standing went up to Peter and said, "Surely you are one of them; your accent gives you away." Matthew 26:73

Accent: a way of speaking typical of a particular group of people (webster-meriam.com)

For those of us who follow Jesus, we will likely hear of Peter's Denial message again this week.  Peter denies the connection of his accent, denying Jesus three times on the night in which Jesus was arrested. 

As we reflect on our own walk with Jesus, we too have denied our accent and Jesus:

• in our thinking,
• in our conversations,
• in our actions and attitudes.

Scripture helps us deepen our accent:

• Confess your denial-to God and a brother or sister in Christ (I John 1:9, James 5:16)
• Receive God's forgiveness (Psalm 103:3)
• Be encouraged in discussing your accent with friends in Christ (Hebrews 10:24)
• Pray for inner strengthening and pray for others inner being (Eph. 3:16)
• Remain in Jesus (John 15:1-8)
• Live out our people group (1 Peter 2:9)

Everyday ways to embrace our accent:

• encourage someone with your words
• care for a hurting brother of sister in Christ (John 13:35)
• lend a hand to a family member (do the dishes, run an errand, listen to them)
• as the Holy Spirit urges you, speak of what Jesus means for you
• when asked-you are empowered by the Spirit to say, "Jesus as your Lord" (I Corinthians 12:3)

Living our accent in the world, not of the world:

 

As Christians, we live in this world and live in grace to not be of the world.  This does not mean we are to be Bible beaters, raging tempers against non-believers, or speaking truth with out love.  We are called to "lovingly speak the truth" (God's Word Eph. 4:15). 

Jesus forgives, restores and commissions us, as Peter (even after denying Him), to bring the message of HIS great love to the world. 

What's one way you can you speak your accent this week (on attitude, word, action, thought)?

How can you claim your accent this week (claim you know Jesus)?

GO LIVE OUT HIS ACCENT THAT BELONGS TO YOU!

This is a statement of what God's done and is doing in my life.  I speak with an accent that is by HIS grace. God's grace in JESUS is what sustains me daily.  In a broken world, Jesus life death and resurrection offers restoration to our Father in heaven.  His message of hope is a message like none other, for me and this world.  I'm restored and valuable to God not because of anything I've done, rather because of what He's done for me. May I live unashamed of the Good News of Jesus-not denying my accent!

Drop Your Approval Rating, Increase Authentic Relationships



"If you're your authentic self,

                            there is no competition."

                                                         Scott Stratton

Most of us appreciate people who are genuinely themselves.  My husband often asks me, "What do you love about that friend or person?" 

The answer almost always includes responses:

"They are themselves (or genuine)."

"They're comfortable in their own skin."

"They accept me for who I am."

Our desire to receive approval or acceptance is often a barrier to being authentic (psychologists and authors have written much on the subject of authenticity).  Most of us want to look good in action, speech and appearance.  We will trade our real/authentic selves for a higher approval rating, thinking people will like or love us more. 

The truth is to increase connection we need to be authentic, real, and honest AND allow others to be authentic, real and honest.  No one is perfect!  

Relationships deepen when we are ourselves. 

Some ways I practice being the real me: 



• share with a close friend that I feel vulnerable about   _______________
• share something I'm really excited about
• laugh at myself
• admit mistakes and apologize
• tell others who I am (experiences, abilities, passions)
• practice saying what's on my mind even when it's uncomfortable

Some ways I practice being a safe place for others to be real/authentic:

• being honest with my own struggles
• listening without judgment
• listening without fixing them
• discuss real life joys, challenges, hurts, growth
• keep their confidence

How do you practice being real and allowing others to be real?

What's one thing you can do this week to create authenticity in a current relationship or group? 

Your Next 26 Inches

YOUR NEXT 26 INCHES!

A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine wanted to hike a Colorado 14er @ Pike's Peak.  This was a birthday trek with a pack of friends. We started off the journey with laughter and conversation.  As the time and journey wore on, the talking lessened and the breathing increased (so did rest stops). 

We began to encourage each other in route with words like:  "go slow", "you're doing great", "drink some water/eat", "rest when you need it", "take 30 steps/rest 30", "one step at a time!"

One step at a time! The next single step kept the journey going!  Every step got us about 26 inches* closer to our goal of  14,110 ft.

You may not be climbing a 14er, yet it is likely you desire to make a destination in your life journey-either big or small.  Your next step keeps the journey going and you close in on your destination.

• A spiritual journey
• A physical goal
• A work goal
• A family goal
• Seeking Life Balance
• Seeking Purpose and Fulfillment
• Making a life transition
• Cleaning out your files
• Organizing the house
• Starting/Finishing a Project

Everyone in our 14er climb had control over their next step of 26 inches (maybe sometimes it was only a 6 inch step).  So, you and I are able to take the next step closer to the destination we desire. 

Reflect On-

• goal you started and want to complete?
• project to start or finish?
• a transition time to work through?
• personal growth desire?
• a project or goal you want to discontinue?

Outcome:

• What's your desired destination/growth/opportunity?
• How will you benefit from the journey and accomplishment?

Action:

• Set 2-3 doable steps (only 26inches!)
• Make the actions SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant , time-based)**

STEP 26 MORE INCHES!

*The average step length is 26 inches, give or take a few inches.
**Sample SMART ACTION:  I will read the book Daring Greatly (specific/relevant/measurable) by March 15th (relevant/time-based).

P.S. I'm glad to tell you we all safely made it to the top of Pike's Peak.  Eleven hours after our start we completed the trek down to the parking lot.  Sometimes we need to stop or turn around when pursuing a destination....the idea is I/you/we take the next step!