Parenting: Three Steps Toward Successfully Maintaining Boundaries
"Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden." Lydia Hall, as shared with Peg Streep
"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and somebody else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom." Henry Cloud
As parents, we know the importance of setting boundaries for our children. Then what sometimes makes it so hard for us to maintain boundaries and be consistent with them? How can I maintain consistent boundaries for my child and sanity for me? The following three-step process can assist you in setting consistent boundaries and bringing calm as you maintain the boundaries.
First Step: Awareness; Know thyself!
First, know What (what things)?, When (times)? and Where (places)? you have more difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries with your child. Use the following list to help you work through this step.
What things?
Busy Schedules
Homework
Toys/Possessions
Chores
Child cries, screams, stomps, pouts or.....*
Comparisons to other children/parents
Other?
When?
Early morning (before you have your coffee 😐)
After work
Preparing for dinner
You're hungry
My schedules packed
Having a relational difficulty with another adult
Other?
Where?
In public
In private
At church
At school
In a restaurant
At extracurricular activities (soccer, concert, art class, gymnastics)
Other?
*Second, distinguish differences in pain: when a child is hurt (sad, frustrated) versus harmed when you set a boundary. This awareness of self is being able to withstand the child's upset with the boundary you're setting or maintaining. In the book, Boundaries with Kids, by Townsend and Cloud this is Rule #1 for Evaluating Pain. Here's an excerpt from this chapter:
If your child is controlling your decisions by protesting your boundaries [crying, stomping, yelling, pouting, threatening etc...], you are no longer parenting with a purpose.....Two, you don't value one of the most important aspects of child rearing: Frustration is a key ingredient to growth. The child who is never frustrated never develops frustration tolerance. Three you are teaching him that he is entitled to always be happy and that all he has to do to get others to do what he wants is to cry about it. Are these really your values?.....The child's protest does not define reality, or right from wrong. Just because your child is in pain does not mean that something bad is happening. Something good may be occuring, such as his coming to grips with reality for the first time.
I can tell you from experience (for better & for worse) along with documented research, we need to allow our children to sit in the crucible of pain and struggle to build their muscles of hope and confidence. Think of a struggle you've had to work through that has helped you to grow, gain strength and courage. Let's hang in there and encourage one another to walk with our children in struggle NOT FIX IT by rescuing them or giving into them.
Second Step: Is the Boundary Worth the Battle?
This step often involves the gray areas in parenting. For example, one home may set the boundary that there is absolutely no dessert before dinner. Another home may allow dessert as an afternoon snack. And a third home may say no desserts at all (I couldn't keep this limit myself 😉).
Regarding preferences ask yourself these questions:
- Is it legal?
- Is it moral?
- Is it safe for the body, mind, spirit?
- What difference will it make in the function of our home/family?
- What difference will this make when the child becomes an adult?
- How does it impact others (neighbors, teachers, friends etc...)?
- How can I help my child know that when they are at school, neighbors or other places that there may be differing boundaries? Does the boundary need strategizing? (example: no dessert until after dinner at our home, maybe the neighbor gives your child a cookie in the afternoon when they are over there playing....can you live with this? OR you don't allow your child to drive any other minors yet even though they have their license, maybe Aunt Suzie is staying with your child while you're away and she allows her kids to drive other minors....do you want to have your boundary maintained while you're away?)
Step 3: Set Boundaries and Maintain Them
You are well on your way to maintaining healthy boundaries for your child when you've built awareness and decided which boundaries are important for you and your child.
When making changes to our parenting, it's tempting for us to bite off more than we can chew at one time. Remember hikers climb mountains one step at a time. There is one exception-Superman/Superwoman- s/he climbs the mountains in one bound! Well, I believe you are a super parent but making too many changes at one time often sets us and our children up for inconsistency and discouragement.
Whether you're implementing something new or tweaking an old boundary/expectation, communicate with your child(ren) about what you're doing and the why behind it. Whenever possible bring your child(ren) into the discussion of solving a problem and brainstorming options. Cooperative efforts are impactful for the long term. Control is temporarily impactful for the one who has the strength or power AND someday, if it isn't already, the child figures out how to gain control-push buttons-protest and refuse to stay within the boundaries.
As you set and uphold the boundaries:
- Clearly, communicate the boundary/expectation and why (resist lecturing)
- Involve the child in the discussion and brainstorming as much as possible
- Remain calm when a child crosses a boundary
- Implement a reasonable consequence or allow the natural consequence to work
- Allow the child to solve their own problem
- Tell your child you believe in them and trust they can work this out
- Revisit expectations and boundaries that may need to be changed or tweaked
Be encouraged!
- Children want us to set healthy boundaries.
- Healthy boundaries allow freedom.
- Children are empowered when we give them choices within healthy boundaries.
- AND mistakes offer a great opportunity for growth in problem-solving, self-regulating, critical thinking and character.
What's one or two boundaries you'd like to work on with your child/family over the next month?
Next Blog with Bernardine: Tips and Tools to Calmly Hold the Boundary/Expectation
Teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their life.
Proverbs 22:6
